Saturday, June 4, 2016

The Journey

Insights can come to you at the randomest of random moments...

Like, when you're en-route to the gym & suddenly feel overwhelmed & need to pause on a bench & write a blogpost...

Those of you who have known me for a while now have partaken in my journey, sometimes on the sidelines, sometimes in the thick of it. And what a journey it is!
The thing with journeys is; sometimes you're not aware you're on one, until something makes you look. And then there you are, luggage in hand, en-route to somewhere.

I've been en-route for a while, consciously & willingly...climbing mountains, jumping over streams, laying in meadows, fighting shadows, basking in sunlight...
And today, as I moved forward in the new life I made for myself, I saw myself stand there, in the moment, and felt incredibly proud.

Proud that I battled my insecurities, that after years of feeling like I was not girly enough, not strong enough, not lovable enough, not good enough, locked in a body that felt alien to me, not interesting enough, I now am at a point where I can say; I know who I am.

I know myself. 
I know my fears, insecurities, strengths, faults, loves...
I feel stronger than ever.
More beautiful than I've ever felt.
I feel enlightened & purposeful.
Each day I learn new things.
Each day my heart opens up wider to the world.

Am I perfect?
By no means. 
But then, perfection is overrated...there's no such thing. And beauty always lies in the imperfections. Its the little cracks that fill up with gold, and make things interesting, beautiful & spirited...

Sunday, April 17, 2016

En route

"Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans"
-John Lennon-

Sounds a bit like a cop-out, but the reality is...its exactly what happens.
And yet...even when you feel like you're not moving forward, things are happening, wheels are turning and steps are made to get you to where you want to go.

Since I posted last, time seems to have stood still, and yet much has happened;

No, I don't have my choaching buisiness up & running, but I have had very interesting insights in regards to coaching, thanks to conversations with coaches of all kinds. I have read about different methods and viewed a myriad of exercise videos and lifecoaching events. And I am still learning new insights every single day.

No, I haven't found the exact study to use as a base, but I have learned about the inner workings of the human body. I have delved into Neuro Linguistic Programming. And I have learned about clarity and how it can help steer the mind in the right direction. I have taught myself new exercises, pushed my own limits and learned about my body's strengths. And again, new psychological and physical viewpoints and tools keep rolling my way.

No, I don't have paying clients yet, but I have written workout programmes for friends and colleagues, and taught them new exercises. Inspired others to start working out or to reconnect with their past workout favorites. Helped others through tough situations by listening & giving them mindfulness exercises they can use when they feel stuck. Taught people the benefits of meditation and focus. And shown how to see the world with a positive mindset. And new people keep finding their way to me all the time.

So, all in is happening, things are in motion, and apart from a business account its all en-route...and I can't wait to see what's behind the bend...

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Fire it up!

The best thing about those moments when you feel stuck betwixt a rock and a pretty solid wall (see my previous post), is that walls tumble down and behind the wall there tends to be a whole new ballpark to frolic in.

Frolicking in new ballparks is awesome!
It brings with it a new sense of freedom, joy and determination.
So, yes: I did grab that bull by the cojones!
From that moment of frustration grew a need to not only make the best out of the situation, but to also further develop myself, my knowledge, my skills...and...ultimately, to refocus my life.

Up until that moment it had been all about me; my transformation, my growth, reconnecting with who I really am and finding my inner strength as well as building some muscles on my physique.
But on that pivotal moment I realized that now that I was this changed person, the situation in itself wasn't what I needed to focus big of a deal as it was in my life (and still is), in the whole shceme of things its not that important. No, the focus lay in that I HAD in fact changed, and that it became clear to me that I really wanted to share that change with other people. Because ultimately, through it, I can possibly make a difference in their lives, and help them figure out THEIR way towards being that person they need to be.
And so, I embarked on a life-changing journey, beyond my personal one, towards what I want to focus my growth on: becoming a life-coach/personal-trainer.

I've experienced first-hand the interconnection between body and mind, and so I can't disconnect the two, when I think of myself as a coach. Mens sana in corpore sano!

And so far it's been fantastic!
The moment I made that decision, and totally without sharing it with anybody (I was still shaping the idea in my mind), people who needed some support started finding me. Some only needed a listening ear and some encouraging words, others wanted help figuring out home-exercises or a push to begin exercising altogether, or inspiration and refocus to start taking steps towards reaching their goals.
It was like I had opened a door, and they had found it.
The fact that they did has brought me far more joy and energy than I could even imagine when I embarked on this new journey.

There is nothing like seeing someone blossom; realizing their potential; getting stronger; seeing the brightness around them and finding new beauty in their lives.
With every step they take, I take one with them, and the world around me fills itself with more and more specs of stardust and happiness.
Happy people are beautiful people.
And I want nothing more than to see all those amazing people be who they truly are, embracing life, and filling it with love and joy.

Meanwhile I'm filling my rucksack of usable knowledge with new items to use, such as a study of the human anatomy, neuro linguistic programming, and more courses and study to follow. Because ultimately I would like to turn this into something I can truly work with. I'm loving every step of the way, and all the insights I'm gaining. My brain overflows with new information, and I feel like a kid in a candystore: more more mooreeee!


Saturday, August 22, 2015


It's been a while since I posted on this platform.
Mainly because...well....where to begin?
But, as with all itches, it's one I had to scratch tonight, so here goes nothing.

In many ways I feel I'm a different person from when I posted here last:
I've since started a new job and most importantly an intense workout regime, that has changed my life. I feel like a different person. Stronger. More confident. More myself, than I have felt for years.
It's been a real eye-opener for me.
Had I known it would make such an impact, I would've done this eons ago.
As it stands, I did it, and it makes me happy!

I invested a lot of time, money and energy into it and it's paying off.
And as I progress, I find myself enjoying it and setting myself new limits, new exercises to conquer, new weights to master and fears to overcome. I enjoy seeing what I can do and surprising myself with my newly found strength and endurance.
It's been helping me through some rough times concerning the terrible sickness of another much beloved family member (for those of you who remember my blogs about my grandfather, you know how this sort of thing affects me) and through it all I feel amazing.
And, so people tell me, rejuvenated.

Luckily I didn't have to figure all of this out by my lonesome.
I've had the most amazing personal coach anybody could wish for. I call him personal coach because he's more than a trainer. He's somebody who made (and still makes) an impact on my life. A personal coach who knows when to push me and when I'm pushing myself too hard in the gym. A mentor. And, dare I say, after 1,5 years of working together, a dear friend, whom I cherish for his wisdom and kindness and his sense of humor.

Which is why it makes it so hard that this week I found out that I can't afford our training sessions anymore...there it was, the moment I had hoped would never come...
It sucks.
It sucks total mega ass.
It sucks so hard get the picture.

But new me isn't going to let it.
No downward shizzle permitted.
I'm going to grab this bull by it's horns and I'm going to give it heck, so hard it wishes it had walked into a different pasture.
Heck, I'M gonna be the bull this time.
If anything, it gave me a kick in the butt to not only continue what I was doing, but to crank things up a few notches!

To infinity and beyond!!

Monday, January 14, 2013


Remember when Tamagochi's were the ultimate thing to own?
Kids went crazy over small egg-shaped plastic "pets" that you needed to "feed", "bathe" and "cuddle" within a certain time-span or they would dramatically die...
And when it did, it was a total hassle to get it back to life again as the whole thing had to be reset (if you had a more expensive version, the cheaper versions didn't have that option)
In classrooms the silences were filled with soft bleeping sounds coming from schoolbags, as the Tamagochi begged for attention and/or food.

I let mine die.
It annoyed me.
Maybe it's because it missed a cuddle-factor, or maybe I'm just a bad digital parent, I don't know.
But after a few days....frankly....I wanted it to die.
So I stopped doing anything to it, and watched the little figure on the screen slowly perish.
(can't believe it took quite some time for it to actually do so)


Now, a few years later, Tamagochi's are a thing of the past....

Are they though?

Because, as I was awakened in the middle of the night from a deep-flu-recovering sleep that I really REALLY needed, by my whinging mobile phone who desperately wanted to be "fed" electricity, I suddenly had a flashback.
And after I had plugged it in, and it vibrated in contentment over the electric feast it was about to receive, I looked at it and shuddered.... wants to be fed, it seeks attention anywhere I go by buzzing in messages and chirping phone calls, it wants me to play games with it........IT'S.............IT'S.......

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Holiday Inn, or a short story I wrote in my mobile while traveling by bus..

I just randomly checked into a hotel.

"Is that all you have with you?", the desk clerk said tiredly, while he violently jabbed a pencil into the electric pencil sharpener, filling the empty lobby with a violent whizzing sound.
"Yes, yes it is."

I wanted to be anonymous.
In an anonymous room.

The idea had occurred to me at the busstop. When I saw a young man's confusion at the unusual detour our bus was making. It shaked him up.
"I need to make a detour." I thought.
And when I looked up: there it was.

The hotel.

With darkened windows.

Only one room was lit.
It called me.

I knew I wasn't going home.

The room was perfect, as far as random rooms go.
Perfectly, anonymously, bland.

The bed, situated in the middle of the space, had crisp white sheets and a navy blue blanket.
Above it; a generic painting of a vase with flowers.
The kind of painting you can buy in bulk at a furniture shop.
Two little pink lamps stood on two wooden nightstands on either side of the bed.
A chair between the navy curtains that framed the window.

A view of the busstop and the station.

I looked at the spot where I had stood minutes before.
There was my heatsignal on the pavement.
It was getting on the bus that would take me home.
Followed the confused young man into certainty.
It looked up to me as it got in.
Begging me to reconsider.

I watched it go.

The room would give me the headspace I needed and nobody would be able to find me here.
Not even my heatsignal.

I looked at myself in the reflection on the window.

My hoodie was askew.

Slowly I stretched out my hand, caressed my reflection face and adjusted my hoodie.
Our hands touched.

We looked at each other and smiled.

For a brief moment I was free....

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Inner-city living

Disco Ghost likes to entertain guests at 2 am.
Disco Ghost has one CD, which he plays loudly over and over and over, to burn his inner-ears.
Disco Ghost likes the feeling he gets in his underbelly when he plays the CD with the bass all cranked up, it's tickly.
Disco Ghost has a black cat, which he lets out onto the communal staircase to spy on the neighbors.
Disco Ghost wears the same scruffy wifebeater tee 24/7 or goes barechested.
Disco Ghost plays violent video games with somebody that's not physically next to him, so he puts the game and his opponent on surround sound, so he feels like he isn't alone when he plays.
Disco Ghost smokes like a chimney; his house is constantly covered in tobacco-mist, which seeps through the cracks of his floor in curly smoky twirls.
Disco Ghost put a box of gelatin balls in the hallway, they smell of strawberries, he tries do disguise the tobacco that way, but it doesn't work.
Disco Ghost doesn't sleep, he thinks sleeping is bad for his complexion.
Disco Ghost rarely goes out; the street is too bright and dynamic, so he prefers to order in.
Disco Ghost's cat meows the info it's gathered on the neighbors, it needs to keep its master informed.
Disco Ghost is competitive: whenever somebody plays loud music in the street or in a passing car: he has to match it, opening the windows widely so everybody can hear who the master of mayhem is.
Disco Ghost watches porn, but doesn't know what to do with it, it just feels funny, like a good bassline.
Disco Ghost's biggest wish is to own an invisibility cloak and a ginormous living room on a high tower overlooking the city: so nobody has to see him and he can rule the masses.
Disco Ghost pretends to give a fuck about his downstairs neighbor's request to turn down the noise, but has since instructed his cat to gather extra info on them, looking for a juicy scoop.
Disco Ghost never talks to Zombie Lady, he's too freaked out by her, and doesn't want her to know what he does in his domain.
Zombie Lady never sees daylight: it hurts her eyes.
Zombie Lady finds her way inside through trails of incence: she has a different smell in every room of her house. It's her sonar.
Zombie Lady loves to cook anything that has a strong smell: she likes how it overpowers the incense in a tingly way.
Zombie Lady never steps outside, but she always has visitors with whom she likes to fight into the small hours of the night.
Zombie Lady has 24 locks on her door, which she keeps locked, just in case Disco Ghost's cat comes a calling.
Zombie Lady only wears the dirty rags she wore the day she was zombified, they vaguely remind her of a time when she was young, colorful, and used to tease the boys.
Zombie Lady has dozens of cups superglued strategically to the ceiling: she likes to listen in on whatever happens above, it's her entertainment-system.
Zombie Lady has huge plants covering her windows, they make the darkness look jungle-like.
Zombie Lady knows there's a little old lady living downstairs: she's freaked-out by that fact as little old ladies are known Zombie slayers.
Zombie Lady has 12 budgies, they make chirpy chirps which adds extra shades to her grey existence. She only feeds them at night tho. They live on her balcony.
Zombie Lady wishes she lived in a tiny cabin in the dark woods, where she can fight and scream and have millions of budgies flying around her. Nobody will smell her incense there.

Aren't neighbors grand?